life as told by the girl who pouts

have i been that busy ??
my last update was 6 weeks ago..

jus came back from genting
tough time at the bak kut teh
the fear overtook it all
the tears came bursting through
bad giddy car ride down

so thankful im home now
and maybe the journey's too long
with no entertainment else

i started to think
ma mind started to wander off
ma past, even thou it was a nightmare
but the good days, i really cherished
the good days, i really missed...

can't believe it
but its true

someone told him the other day im jus like
another of that, in a good way
to be accountable and responsible
which is exactly the reason why im being paired with her

that frustrates me in many ways
upon knowing that

i need lotsa support doing stuffs
be it from up above and by my side
that is the essence and what drives me

i hate working on stuffs like its being thrown at
i hate working on stuffs like its a taken for granted

i shud get back to my work
i wanna complete it before the new week starts
with even more drama

and mental note to self. i shud get to the gym soon.

i dun really think i mentioned abt chopping my hair
albeit its pretty obvious seeing my dp
heh.

so why the chopped right? its been a few years
i believe, that i was having my hair at that length

but i guess when the rocks finally all rolled off my shoulders
i felt so good and wanted to feel fresh again
i din intend for my hair to be at sucha length
but u know how stylists work, tell u length x but do it till length x - y

im really enjoying wad im doing now
1 week into this place and im happy
very happy, very pleased

in fact, just thurs i went for an event
saw many local artists, took pictures of them
received many namecards and freebies
munched the nice desserts out there
hehs. how nice

i think really, ive been very blessed
but how have i repaid?
hahas.

recently somebody told me
unless i choose to commit into another area
otherwise i shall not be allowed to step down
he told me its sian when u see ppl with the potential
but are half assed into committing

seriously, im just not convicted, thou i don't know what im not
i can't see myself committing, but i dare say i gave alot
i dare say i carried out my duties with my heart

so then what is my stumbling block?
what is it that stops me from going to service on sundays
despite me waking up on good time for it?

did anyone tells u it flies?
how relentless it is?
we're at the last quarter of 2009 already
and it means his birthday along with christmas day is coming!
i don't know if i should jump for joy or scream for help

these days
the rock's pretty off the shoulders
although i can see pebbles joining up
wanting to replace the rock's position on me, or us

i'm really not sure
with mum's comment and feedback
i guess she's jus worried, which is normal
and probably a good thing
but i can't help but wonder how much sense it makes

its been two years
and for some reason, he's been in my head alot
maybe its my dad, how he was around for me
albeit his dramatics in the way, he really meant alot to me
he really was the one i thought we could be happy together
but its all the past, family's jus way too important for me

recently things came up which required much cooperation
and as expected, you have tons of initial enthusiasm and
probably only that 5% will go through

its sad because you see how much support there is
and how ppl can't understand why there is such a need
its hard for us to remember that the world doesn't jus revolve 
around one person, i.e, us

how difficult is it to be nice,  to ask, to seek, to think, to care, to help?

i noe its tough but we all try, or should try
i noe like in serving, i think i gave my best
each time i serve whole heartedly, each time im asked
i go with the same thankful heart for the children
but times, i really am puzzled at how convenient a replacement i am
how people throw their inconveniences upon others

i don't like. but who or what am i to do/say?
i have somebody im supposed to talk to
but its awkward, in a sense
i barely know her much and im not the kind who can jus 
simply confide in somebody, or rather anybody
the connection just isn't there

ARGH

okok. on a better note, 
ms and sm came for cell few days back
HUGE SHOCK i tell u
especially given the relationship i share with them
it gets awkward somehow, somewhere
but we all hope ms will see the light
through the love and care from us all, 
hahas. i can't help but laugh
who am i kidding when i said love and care?

hais.
GOD, can you please be back quick??

i totally hate it
all the big mouth claims
we're jus much better without you
and so why do we have to always put up with you!!!!???!!

in times of our needs
you were never there
thou you like to claim like you'll be there

and the weakling jus doesn't
or supposedly can't do anithing
it all sucks

can count on nobody, maybe jus yourself...

on a lighter note,
interesting start today! (=
looking forward to moreeeee

its not deliberate
but uve jus successfully proven it to me
i really don't know what's next

tomorrow the first day
excited and worried
how i wish i wun be alone 

ahh.... one word, implusive
nono, add another word, dumb

that sums up what im all about
of cos it is filled with much
sadness, disappointments

so often ppl tell me to like let things go
but they can only see the surface
how abt the process and the possible outcome

because it's not urs
doesn't mean u shud freely give the death penalty, really
cause when u do, i noe i have a lesser ear to seek..

laughs
everytime i log in
it requests to restore from draft

often i log in
i blog and i exit
cause i get frustrated with the stuffs i blog abt

the good news is
i finally gotta see that light i needed so much at the tunnel's end
not exaggerated ehh 
more like the effort finally finally paid off

the sleeps lost
the fears encountered
the stress to deal with

effective 12 aug 09
the day the camp will end
the blessed grace 
period and time for him to rush 
the work for his mommy
the camp he's been looking forward 

what about me?
flu's been bugging for so long
im finishing a box of tissue each day
hard to believe? its true though

its so hard to breathe
so hard to smile
so hard to feel happy or anything

and im still unhappy at work
argh!!! 

i haven't been for a service for like eons
today i watched chc's 20th anniversary
how i miss, i miss it there..

my heart aches
my body seems unable to support it all

each step and every breathe
it jus hurts and pains

i jus wish life's easier
or simply, my life

can i jus be alone, by myself
to throw away all my care and concern for everyone

i think i did something lame
i think im feeling too upset/stressed to think correctl
i think i should be sleeping and not working at such hour
i don't know what else am i thinking

i need it black and white, strict and straight
but i get repulsive at that non flexible style
i get it gray, bending here and there
but i get naughty at that advantage

i need to grow up  
i know im not stable now
and smartly, im allowing myself to do wadeva i wanna

so sick and tired of it all
the fake yes-es, the false smiles
the time i waste jus to stay on
but i'll be leaving, this job
end of june will be my last

there's concern
with the market now
even if the job is available
the renumeration wouldn't be as well

but i believe you can't buy happiness
i like to move to places where i can be happy
jus now trying to move on
trying to be what i have to try so hard for

there's jus some part of me i cherish
and wanna keep, i guess

last night i saw the luggage back
it was really excitement
can't believe they're finally home again
woke up feeling so good, jus so good

angels and demon is cool, darn cool
and that's that.

birthday's coming again
i can't really remember how old i am thou
needa take time to calculate

this time
i jus wanna time off, to a massage, to a spa
to something really relaxing with love, him or her or her or her
or mebbi i shud get my hands
on those books ive been thinking for a long while

i really aint sure anymore

i feel that we can't communicate
that level of engagement just isn't there

i think i liked u caused u were quick witted enough
to catch up on ma ever changing interest

i feel that we are just so different
in values, in likings

i think i liked u caused u were interested
in so many things that i was interested in too

i feel that we have distanced emotionally
that level of care and concern just aint right

i think i liked u caused u were so caring,
so devoted to spending us time

i feel that i have never took that place in your heart
even though you said there is such
but that spot taken by her, imagine the pain in me

but from day one i know its never gonna disappear
why then did i step in?

deep inside, i secretly miss that guy who'd try very hard to please me
that guy who'd bought me sunflowers to cheer me up from stress
that guy who'd devote all his care and concern when i'm sick
that guy who'd engage with me in all conversations
that guy who'd me in his heart, deeply...

i don't know anymore.
i don't like to just live with things, that i know.

i can't sleep
i really miss her
each day, the loneliness attacks
behind the smiles, swallowing back the tears.

i never truly feel the joy..

4 weeks ago
that's how really busy i am
how demanding something got

they left.
somehow, i cried ma way back from the airport
lucky i was in his car
lucky he din really notice, till the end

crybaby i am, still teary and sobby
awaiting nineth of may

changed.
everything's so fucked up.
why should i care?

so much for the talks,
the open-ness

take me away, take me away
fly awayy

actually i do cherish our friendship since 20 years ago?
i vaguely remember us
saying hi and bye in kindergarten,
holding hands walking back home in primary school,
catching up when we spot each other at the void deck in secondary school,
staying over, meeting up in school, running to comfort her in poly
working jus next door to each other, going lunch and shopping at meals,
kaypo-ing on each other friendster then facebook and blog

so many things that we did together
things of the past still in ma mind
though not as vivid as those in your mind

we've both grown up over time, thankfully,
which also resulted in us distancing more
even my mommy asked how you've been
since we all last saw you

i'm always happy to make time for you
spending time to meet you up
listening to you, cheering you up
cause this friendship does matter to me

maybe you don't know
but your presence in ma life is very significant
something i will never forget
something i will never let go

now you're probably more back to yourself
something i hope will be better

i will try to make more time
to find you for dinner at least on weekdays
hehs

in the meantime, keep loving yourself more and stay happy

back to aussie land
where they've been for the past 4 to 5 years?
this year will be when younger bro will grad
still uncertain of his decision for the future

mommy's concern about the fees related
to his further studies, which delays the decisions too

so the first few days of chinese new year has past
its been the usual for visiting but definitely more exciting at ma place
given that this year, we're hosting not only ma bro's family
but as well ma aunt from aussie, who insisted on staying with us
even if it means she'll have to sleep on a mattress -.-

ever since the christmas partyy, i've still been feeling so drain
often quesy, dizzy, wanna die, headache and stuff
it sucks. and from ma perspective of ma surrounding
people are digusting or irritating me,
situations seem hopeless, gone or jus can't care more

its quite bad really
wad happened to the overflowing LOVE i'm commissioned to share?

it jus happens i guess
expectations, dissapointments
i can be there for always, any time and situation
giving the priority rightly or even above all
but i can't help and wonder... wadeva is all these for...

i'm really sick of the demands
i'm really sick of the feeling i'm by ma own
i'm really sick of the many times i can't find anyone

i jus wanna run away...
i jus wanna hide away...

ahhh.
mood to post
been kinda busyy again
with the project

earlier today
one of the SA asked me sth
that makes me wonder
if i'm gonna be involved in the restructuring
sth worrying to me
cause the questions asked were.... -.-x

ma bf really got his promised position and salary
its really good given the no relevant experience
also was promised a career advancement even

really, its amazing how God works.
you'd really think its not that possible to get that salary
he draws, given the economy now especially
as well, he was told he is the only one offered the
position on the spot and only one starting at that high a price
hahas. its all His grace..

so soon its approaching mid of Jan...
olevels results were out today
and andrea scored 18, for r5 i think
hahas. given her attitude, its pretty good actually

by end of Jan..
ma bro and his family will be back in australia :(
i'm so gonna miss all the laughter i hear
why can't we all jus stay together?? ARGH

to ma fren ..
be glad it ended. for when one door closes, the other opens.
jus rem, wadeva comes ur way, jus be happy.. nothing worth more than tt...

recalling wad ma colleagues told me
when i messaged ma boss after i got jolted up
and realized i forgot to

no, i'm not crazily posting now

it just happened that i can't sleep
for whatever reasons there is
and what happens when its the middle of the night
and you're doing nothing?

your mind wanders. hahas.
trying to keep maself entertained on viwawa
but still the mind manages to run abt

right now, ma mind's thinking abt this fren
mebbi cause he called me jus yst,
how he's always so ready for new ppl
how he's always so helpful to everyone,
even the one who has had hurt/disappointed him
how he's always so available to bless,

as one of the recipients of his blessings
and being in the same cg as him now
i can't help but feel really affected
knowing that he's that close to backsliding
knowing that i can't do much, but to pray for him,
pray that he'll talk to me when he needs

it also reminds me of the past,
a long time ago in my teens, when i was so involved
the efforts that was put in, then the hurts and
disappointments that sets in that killed everything
cause then, i wasn't strong enough in him
or rather, i didn't put him before maself

i did what i wanted, what i felt like
what pleases me most, what cravings i have
i forgot what it meant to be a christian
i forget what it meant to not only to put
others before self, but most importantly,
putting Christ before self...

even till date, i'm guilty of this
and i loathe maself for that,
thinking why is it that i can put other
beings before maself, those who prob doesn't even care
yet, leave behind the one who care, the one who provides?

how downright silly and foolish i am, i have been
yet, i didn't change, mebbi a little, but still

forgive me o Lord, for I have sined,
Lord, help take away my self centeredness, self contentedness,
help me learn to be gracious, help me learn to put YOU before me,
help me learn to live ma life centered around you...

someone said i haven't been posting
all thanks to getting ill and being all tired out

spent these few weeks in bliss at home
with them back, you really feel the warmth
of being one family

a feeling that's so hard to get/find now

anyway 2008 ended in church
and sth struck me when e service was going on
sth of the past came by and well
i'm thinking i shud jus ignore bah

nothing to hype abt ma xmas or new year
hahas. this yr's rather boring
i don't know why
but at least we got mom a new wallet (:

tomorrow gotta help serve, last min
its getting pretty ridiculous
cause it seems like ppl are taking things
for granted and i've learnt to be mean-er
hahas

i don't know
i jus feel very tired